Not Now Not Ever
by JellyTot-x
Summary: A small but crucial scene from a work in-progress fic not yep published. Friends was easy enough for them, but for her, was friends enough? No. It couldn't be. Not now. Not ever.


**Authors note**

**Okay so just a little ****explanation. There is no lead up to this scene because it is part of a bigger story. I REPEAT! This is a scene from a larger story which is yet to be uploaded to this site or any other site as i an still working on it and am relatively unhappy with it. I recognize this is is one of the most crucial parts of the story and as i am not entirely happy with it I figured that this would be the perfect place to publish it, so it can be seen and commented upon by the viewers it is intended for. Please read and Review! I do not expect you all to love it, I do not expect raving reviews about how marvelous it is, but if you have a problem with it, keep the comments constructive! I'm going to stop rambling now. ENJOY! **

"Severus Snape. For once in your life, would you please just look at me and listen to what I am trying to say. What I have been trying to say for the past year. What I have been trying to say since the moment I knew…" She paused here, and her voiced softened. "Since the moment I knew that I had fallen in love with you"

His head shot up and his eyes sought hers. The deepest of blacks meeting the warmest of brown. He looked to see if there was any truth behind those beautiful orbs. But what he saw was not truth. What he saw was a mixture of raw emotions.

Love. Despair. Desire. Sadness. Love.

It was these emotions which showed him her truth. More than a simple look of innocence ever could.

His eyes were now glued to her. Wanting to know what it was she had to say. Wanting to know what it was that had caused her eyes to shine with emotion and glisten with unshed tears.

"What… What do you mean Hermi… Mia?"

He couldn't hide the sound of hope resonating behind his words. Oh yes, the confusion and want of an answer were there, she knew him too well to miss it. It gave her the strength she needed to carry on.

"Ever since I started working with you I have had this… need, to get closer to you. At first, friends was good enough. I relished the fact that you trusted me. I adored the fact that you let your barriers down around me. Every night I went to bed with a smile on my face, I knew that it was you who had put it there. You were never one for meaningless sentiments. You kept me on my toes with your witty and yes, sometimes sarcastic, comments. Our verbal sparring matches have not been rivalled by anybody else in a long time. Minerva has pointed this fact out many a time."

"Yes and that's why…" he tried to cut her off. But she needed to say this. She had bottled it up for far too long.

"No. Please. Don't interrupt me. This needs to be said before I go Severus…"

"Before you go! Before you go where Mia! Why didn't you tell me you were going? Where are you going? What… what…"

Severus broke their intense eye contact and slumped down onto the hard wooden chair that was behind his desk. She had been all he had close to him for so long. What had he done to lose her? Why did he have to lose her? This couldn't be his past catching up on him. He'd moved past that part in his life now. She had moved past that part of her life to. It had been her who had told him that he had to move on from his past. It was her who helped him. But then again. It was all too good to be true. He should have known it. Why hadn't he used what he had learned from his past life experiences? Could he have used anything from his past to help him? So many thoughts. Moving so fast. Crashing together. Moulding into one. Forming one large, heavy, confusing, painful line of thought. No. it. Couldn't. Happen. He wouldn't let it.

He realised that she had opened her mouth to finish her explanation. To finish what it was that had been haunting her.

"After a while, I don't know how long, I realised that your friendship wasn't enough Severus. It was everything I had at that time. It is still all I have that is true and solid for me. But even then. I had fallen in love with you. There was no doubt about it. When I closed my eyes your face haunted me. When I tried to sleep, my memories of you did more than just drift in and out of my dreams. They were my dreams. Your smile. Your eyes sparkling with merriment as you indulged in a battle of wits. Your scent almost suffocated me. Yet it never seemed to be enough. I needed more. I need more. But more is not what I will get."

She paused to see what effects her words were having on him. He had resumed looking at her. But never in her eyes. Anywhere but her eyes. She was shocked. No. she was suddenly filled with self hate, when she looked at the potions master. There were silent tears, slowly rolling down his pale cheeks. He looked on, not just in sadness or despair, but in confusion. If she loved him. Why was she leaving? Was she disgusted with the fact? Did she hate him for it? All these questions. And he didn't know the answers to them. And this. This is what made the formidable, proud, strong, unbreakable, stone hearted bat of the dungeons cry. The woman he had loved, for what seemed like such a long time, loved him back. And now she was leaving. He was really going to lose her. And he didn't know why. So much for intelligent, he though.

"Sev, do you see now why I have to leave. I can't be around you acting like your friend, pretending to be happy and contented when I'm not. I need to go away. I need to stay away from you. I… I can't stand being so close to you and not being able to hold you. My heart can't keep breaking every time it gets let down. There are so many times Sev, so many times I think you are going to kiss me. There are so many times when I think I am going to kiss you. It never happens Sev. And every time it doesn't happen I fall deeper into a melting pot of despair and anguish and want. Do you see what I am saying. Do you see why I have to leave now? I can't be near you knowing you don't want me. Knowing… knowing that you don't… that you don't love me… back. And I know you don't. Not now, now ever."

Her passionate explanation was interrupted towards the end by the sobs that wracked through her body. The tears were now freely streaming down both their faces.

He didn't know how he stood up. He didn't remember making his legs walk towards her. He didn't remember pulling her close to his body. He still felt as though he was in one of his dreams when he wrapped his strong arms around her slight frame, trapping her to him.

They stood like that for what seemed like forever. Eventually he loosened his grip on her, but she didn't loosen hers. She clung on like a child would hold a comfort blanket in a time of need. He slowly untangled her from his frame and held her just closer than arms length. He brought one hand up to her face slowly, wiping away a stray tear which had slipped her new found control and removing the hair that had stuck to her face.

"Mia… Mia don't go. Don't leave me. Please."

"I have to Sev. Please don't… don't make this harder than it already…"

"I love you Hermione. Don't go. Dear God and anyone else up there listening. Don't leave me Mia. I love you. I love you. Dear sweet Mia. I love you."

"No. you don't just have to say that. Really. It's okay. It's not your fault I'm a fool Severus."

She removed herself from his grasp. Straightened her robe and looked him in the eye. The warmest of brown meeting the deepest of blacks. She looked into his eyes. Those beautiful eyes. And instead of the emotionless expression she was expecting she saw a mixture of raw emotions.

Love. Despair. Desire. Sadness. Love.

And that mirror image of emotions was all they needed.

They couldn't tell who moved first. All they know is that they met in the middle. Lips locked in a passionate kiss. Spilling all of their emotion into this simple, yet so intricate kiss.

"Does this mean… do you really…"

"Ahh. Is this my little know-it-all at a loss for words. Now had I known that this is what it took, I would have done it sooner.

Although he tried to imitate humour in his voice, it was lacking. All that was present was the sound of awe at what had just happened. At what, no, at who stood before him.

"Mia. Please. Don't go."

"Don't worry Severus." She said with tears welling up in her eyes. Her chest fell as if it was going to explode with love.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever."

**A/N (2)**

******Didn't think that essay at the top was the end of did you! :P thank's for reading it the whole way through! It means more to me than you will ever understand! **


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